How Many Books Does It Take to Kill Your Brain Cells? Fifty

When I first heard that Fifty Shades of Grey started as fanfiction, my first thought was, “wow, it must really be good.” I couldn’t have been more wrong. I do not understand how this book was ever published or why so many people love it. What’s more disturbing is the number of women who love Christian Grey. Seriously?! There is nothing attractive about a man who doesn’t understand BOUNDARIES. Take it from a girl who’s been stalked by her boyfriend. That shit is creepy. Even as I type this, I fear that he’s cyber stalking my blog under some alias email address, and the minute he reads this post, he’ll freak and show up at my house, demanding I tell him if I ever really loved him because he always loved and worshiped me and did everything to make me happy under his delusional, manipulative definition of a happy, loving relationship. Newsflash ladies, this is the real Christian Grey—a needy, whiny, controlling, manipulative figment of a man. Just take away the money and the supernatural good looks and you have my creeper ex-boyfriend.

All that aside, the book just isn’t good. PERIOD. There is absolutely no plot whatsoever. We just wander around aimlessly in Ana’s stupid, schizophrenic mind (Instead of telling Christian to see Dr. Flynn about his stalker tendencies, she needs to see the doctor about the two little women living inside her head) until we get to the mind-blowing sex, which is really quite boring, and suddenly, after 500+ pages of nothing, we find ourselves at the end when Christian finally punishes her FORREAL and she runs crying, only to come back four days later because that’s apparently where the second book starts. WHAT?!

Fifty Shades of Grey

The book couldn’t be more repetitive. Ana says Jeez so much, the word actually slipped out of my mouth one day at work. I wanted to shoot myself! The sex is also repetitive, and did I mention boring? I mean, after you orgasm “gloriously” so many times, what else can you do? And it’s so UNREALISTIC too! What 21-year-old virgin, who’s never even masturbated, orgasms after only getting her nipples sucked?! Are you kidding me?! He hasn’t even touched her “down there” yet! Give me a break! I was over Fifty Shades halfway through the first chapter, but after reading that first sex scene, I wanted to throw my kindle across the room. I don’t care how “experienced” Christian Grey is, no man can make a woman come that easily and that many times during sex.

At the end of the day, this book has too much fantasy for it to be believable. And that’s the scary part—people are calling it fantasy. Whose fantasy is it? A middle-aged housewife’s or a teenage girl’s? Quite frankly, the book reads like it was written by a teenage girl. Anastasia Steele is so stupid and naive . . . and STUPID. You can’t be a 21-year-old college student, with a seemingly promiscuous roommate, and be that much of a ditz. Yet every man in the world wants her! WHY?!

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

If Christian Grey wasn’t some fantastical character pulled from a teenage girl’s (or middle-aged woman’s) wet dreams, he would be that sociopath we see on the news, who shoots his ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, ex-fiancé, etc. all because she left his possessive, controlling, “you can’t leave me, I do everything for you,” needy ass. Look ladies, you say you want a man who wines and dines you, treats you like a queen, takes you hang gliding, buys you expensive first editions of your favorite novel days after meeting you, worships the ground you walk on, wants to be with you every minute of every day, makes unannounced visits to your house to “surprise” and “please” you, constantly keeps tabs on you so that he knows where you are, who you’re with, and what you’re doing in case he has to sweep in to “save” you, and blah blah blah. You think that’s fantasy until you get it and realize how much of a nightmare it really is. Take it from a girl who’s lived the less rich, less handsome version of the demigod that is Christian Grey. He is not the type of guy you want to dream of dating. And his promises to change are just another ploy to keep you trapped. Run. Run fast, and run far away.

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And I will be running from these books. There’s no way in hell you can make me read the other two. I’m thankful I only wasted $2.99 on this one. It was on sale, I assume, because of the release of the movie, which I also will not be seeing.

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5 thoughts on “How Many Books Does It Take to Kill Your Brain Cells? Fifty

  1. Yeah, I can’t comment on the series as thoroughly as you did because I didn’t get very far. As soon as Christian said, “Laters, baby” I barfed in my mouth a little and vowed to never crack that book open again. Thumbs DOWN!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. When it first became all the rage, I swooped over and read some excerpts. Not impressed by the writing, not impressed by her blathering subconscious, and certainly not aroused by what is…not erotica. Several of the word choices made me laugh, especially in the sex scenes. It’s disturbing to me how many women are enjoying this book in a hero-worship way, when he’s clearly one messed-up dude.

    Liked by 1 person

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