Sunday Morning Word: Soul Ties

“And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.”

1 John 4:16 (NKJV)

Good Sunday . . . Afternoon, Everyone! Today’s poem comes from Preston Perry and Itohan Omolere, and is entitled “Soul Ties.” This poem particularly speaks to me because I once had my soul tide down, too busy looking for love in a man when there is only One who loves me, who always had and never stopped, who gave up his life to save me, and His name is Jesus Christ.

Unfortunately, the media is constantly telling women that we need a man to be whole, to feel like women. We haven’t truly lived a fulfilling and satisfying life until we find a man, get married, and have kids, so we go out looking, man hunting. But doesn’t the Bible say, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing” (Proverbs 18:22)? It doesn’t say she who finds a husband. Sure some women might have met great men on eHarmony.com or Match.com or those Christian dating websites, but a lot of us aren’t so lucky. Too many vultures prey on desperate women looking for love online, and when we let them in, they steal everything. They steal our love, our joy, our peace of mind, our money. There are too many broken people online, and they’re not looking for love, they’re looking for someone full happiness and promise that they can consume and make him or her as miserable as they are. And the worst thing we could do to ourselves is have sex with these people.

I have quite a few ex-boyfriends and ex-lovers who haunt my idle mind at night, not because I’m still in love with them, that couldn’t be further from the truth, but because our souls were tied thanks to our acting as if we were married when we weren’t.  I can always tell when one ex of mine will make an appearance in my life because I always have a dream about him right before it happens. It’s quite frightening, but that’s what happens when you commit and act that was only meant for marriage. That’s why the Bible says that “a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

When I have sex with a man, I become one flesh with him. Instantly his thoughts are my thoughts, his problems and insecurities become my problems and insecurities. A song by Beyoncé called “Still in Love (Kissing You)” comes to mind. There’s a part where she says, “When we make love, I can feel all your spirit deep inside of me.” Now, on the surface that may sound very romantic and sexy, but when you really think about it, she’s saying that their spirits are connecting, becoming one. That’s all fine and dandy when you’re married, but if this is just a boyfriend, someone who is not permanent, that could be detrimental because after you’ve had sex, and even after you’ve broken up, his spirit is still there inside you. Talk about baggage, right?

This why I don’t want anything to do with an ex after we’ve broken up; the proximity to him after the intimacy we once had will only confuse me and cloud my judgement. I’ve tried the “let’s be friends” thing before, and it always ended with us back in the bed together. It’s hard to just be friends or “take it slow” after what you’ve felt and shared together. It doesn’t matter how toxic the relationship was, how miserable you were with that person, your spirit, your body, will always tell you that you’re supposed to be together because you’ve already had sex. I think this is one of the reasons why the Bible says that if a man rapes a virgin, he has to marry her (Deuteronomy 22:28-29).

I want to end by telling the youth out there that premarital sex is not everything. I used to say this all the time: sex ruins relationships (if you’re not married). And when you really think about what it is and what it does, it’s really quite disgusting. For me, I’ll stick with the only man whose spirit I want residing inside of me: Jesus Christ.

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